The Sunday before annual conference the National Inquiry into young people and self harm reported. The ‘National Inquiry into Self-harm among Young People’ conducted a thorough, and much needed, investigation into self-harming behavior and the resources / information that are currently available, it’s prevalence, its causes, etc. The Inquiry makes recommendations for changes in policy and delivery of services that are well-grounded in research and in the express views of young self harmers that will make an impact both locally and nationally in the UK. For the last 2 years I have been involved in the inquiry and have sat on the panel. To find out more visit www.selfharmuk.org

I have had to do a number of interviews about the report and why I got involved so I thought I would share my thoughts and experiences with you. If you would like to know more please do get in touch.

The Truth Hurts report is a huge step in the right direction and it is hoped that it will start to bring about a change about the taboo and stigma of self harm. It is great to see that the report is calling for there to be more positive and pro active approaches to self harm and mental well being. The fact that we are so reactive in this country and only intervene or have support services after the ‘crisis point’ is a huge problem. We need to be more pro active about mental well being. We need to get the subject talked about. It’s also great to see the recommendations about the healthy school initiatives being carried on into further and higher education in the report. It is odd to think that we educate people in school about being healthy but that stops when you go into FE and HE. Surely we should continue this education to bring about a culture change? Especially considering the change in our FE environments. There are more and more 14-19s on campuses and they have the right to be part of things like the healthy school initiative.

People do not comprehend why people self harm. They do not understand it and therefore this scares and terrifies them. This is why I believe that there is this huge stigma still around self harm. It is hard to tell people what is going on inside which is leading you to self harm. It is even more difficult to do this is the people you are doing it to are judgmental, disapproving or try and make you stop. I really do believe that if more people accepted self harm and talked about it openly and didn’t have this fear of it then it wouldn’t be this huge taboo subject. This would mean that more young people actually got help and were able to speak about what is going on inside them.

For me self harm can be very much linked to bullying. When I was younger I got seriously bullied because of my body shape- it seems that men of this world think that if a woman has big boobs then they have the right to oogle her, touch her up in the street and even pin her down in class and try and measure her. Because of this bullying and the way I was treated as a woman my confidence and self-esteem were eroded and this was one of the main causes of my mental ill health.

I can’t actually remember the first time that I ever actually self harmed or why one day I decided that this would be a good way to relief my stress and to cope with what was going on in my life. What I did know was that the person that I was projecting to those around me and the person I actual believed myself to be were 2 different people. I was captain and president of the University rugby club, RAG Officer, really involved in my students union, had lots of friends and a boyfriend who loved me- hell I was engaged at that point. I had been predicted a 2:1 degree and life should’ve all been good- but for me it wasn’t. To everyone else I felt like I had to pretend to be one person but underneath it all I was not happy. In fact I ended up having what I know consider a nervous breakdown and ended up having to take a year out of my degree because I had become so ill. I was unhappy. The self harm was part of that and was one way that I could get all the pain, anger, self loathing and frustration out and take it out on myself. At my lowest point I was self harming once or twice a week. My arms were a bit of a mess and people started to notice. But it was amazing the excuses that I came up with- a friend’s cat had scratched me, rugby studs had stamped on me.

My then boyfriend one day broke down to me and said that my self harm wasn’t just affecting me but those around me and I suppose that for me was the turning point. The thing that made me realise that something was wrong. That self harm wasn’t something that everyone did and that maybe I needed to get help. It was odd. For a long time I thought that everyone thought about hurting themselves, about self harm on a daily basis like I did. I now realise that no they don’t- but for me having these thoughts were the norm- it was my way of coping as it were.

I still perceive myself as a self harmer- I haven’t now done it for 10 months and I hope that this will be the way for a long time. I now manage my impulses in a different way- I still think about it but do find other ways to cope with things- including talking to people, exercising. There have been times when I have got so close to doing it again but I know recognise it and go and see my doctor. I am also lucky because I have been in mental health services for the last few years and had psychology and counselling to deal with the reasons why I self harm.

For me probably one of the biggest things for me was the fact that my friends and family accepted the way that I am and accepted my self harm as part of who I am. If I do it they don’t make me feel guilty or wrong- they support me and allow me to talk to them when and if I am ready. They have accepted the way that I am and I suppose that for me was a huge step in the not self harming process- feeling like the people that I loved and cared for accepted me for who I am. It might surprise those who know me and know how much I can talk that I found it hard to tell people about what is going on with me but I did. That is why I am a huge campaigner for talk therapies in this country- psychology has really helped me.

My experiences have taught me a lot. They have made me who I am today. People often ask me if I could go back would I stop myself being a self harmer and having ill mental health and I can honestly say no I wouldn’t because they are all part of me and if I got rid of that I would get rid of part of who I am now. Would I have ever chosen to have mental health issues, probably no- but would I now chose to get rid of them? No- I have accepted them and have accepted that this is the way I am- if only the rest of society would accept that too then we would have come a long way.

The one thing that also the last few years has taught me is that what I have been through can affect anyone. People have their stereotypes of who would self harm etc. I don’t meet any of them. I was educated, wouldn’t be what people considered ‘vulnerable’ yet I still self harm. But you know something self harm does not and will never self define who I am. The person who I am is Sian Davies- who got a 2:1 degree, who loves surfing, who can get up in front of 1500 people and passionately rant about equality and education. That is who I am and also by the way I am also someone who self harms (and no I am not brave- I am just Sian ?).

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